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  • Problems.

    OK...I realize this post has potential to generate some rash feedback. I'm prepared for that but pleae be objective.

    Obviously, Im in the National Guard. I finished AIT this past August and transfered from Montana to another state, due to drastic changes in my living situation. Luckily, I had some family members take me in here in NJ. I've been here for three months and I've gotton nowhere. I'm going broke. The only employment I have been able to secure is a server job and a part time position at a gym (which pays **** and I'll be lucky to get any hours). Though my cousins took me in, I'm sleeping on their couch and invading their lives (they have kids). My own family history is not good (luckily I've neve been married or have kids) and I don't have a relationship with my mother or father. So, even if I work three jobs I won't be able to get out on my own nor do I have anywhere to go.

    I'm currently in therapy, thanks to utilizing the militaryone source. I reached out to my first sgt and basically told her everything. I'm not using my past and excuse but apparently events from then have had a hard impact and my life.

    Physcal/Sexual/emotional abuse...abandonment and no security.

    Yes, I lied my *** off when I enlisted. The option presented itself when I was in Montana (I had just returned from teaching overseas in Asia.....only job I've been able to do..........though, I have a hard time dealing with people) and I had started to seek therapy and placed on medication. But as I said, these two things happend at the same time and I thought enlisting would bring solidarity to my life.

    (Though....I did try twice before...the Navy and the marines. I was booted out of both during boot camp. Once for a medical dischage and the other because..........I became extremely depressed).

    I have never held a job longer than a year in my 34 years of living. Though I have a degree and have traveled to many parts of the world, I am a failure in real life. Facts are facts.....I ****. I have have consistantly had suicidal thoughts, ever sicne high school. I feel as if I am holding back, in terms of my anger and I've always been afraid of doing something stupid. And.....I've gotten worse over the years.

    I'm too ashamed to tell my cousins, the ones housing me, of why I'm in theorapy because they woudl probably not feel safe having me in the house around their kids. I don't blame them. Since I cannot afford to stay here much longer, I'll probably be living out of my car soon........so be it. Often times, I guess just because one has christian faith does not promise a life of purpose, security or a positive path. In fact, I'm not even sure I believe in god....I try but it is hard when you have no confidence, ashamed and really don't feel proud of your life.

    Now that I'm in the military (part time anyway), I feel angry with myself for thinking I could change and move on to a better life. I can't even hold a job or go a single week without wantting to die, or at least thoughts of. I don't blame the military. I blame myself, as I have screwed up everything else in my life.

    In fact, I was slated to be discharged while at AIT. I needed help and reached out for it...not to get out but to get straight. I was honest and upfront about my past, my childhood, my attmpets at therapy before I enlisted. I just wanted to sort things out. But, as I learned AIT is not hte place for fort hat. Though, I was given a pep talk by a SFC and managed to graduate. But...I'm still the same douchge bag I was before I enlisted. Basic did not change that.

    But one concern with the Guard, is that they wont' pay me. considering my financial situation, $192 goes a logn way and I was told that I simply won't be paid for my drill in October...probably due to conflicts with the state transfer. I feel as if I am in in a fight or flight situation.........ready to cut my nose to spite my face. All I want to do is leave....leave NJ...leave the country.....though I don't have anywher to go...most times, I dont' care. I'm a failure to my family, my country and myself. So, why not be another number? I dont' know why I even try, most times.



    I thought of checking myself in a hospital but that probably won't change anythign and will bring consequences. I dont' think anyone in my unit really gives a dam, since we all have problems and deal with them. Which makes me so angry at myself.......I'm a *****. I know it.

    How can I handle all this? How can I get paid?

    this is not a 'cry out" for help in the traditional sense. But, some good advice and woudl help.

    going broke in NJ.

  • #2
    Re: Problems.

    You need to speak with your chaplain.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Problems.

      How far behind is your pay? Have you changed banks lately? What does your mypay say?

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Problems.

        Soldier,

        I just came online right now and yours was the first post to read. You are going through a rough patch and you think things are going to continue to go downhill.

        Without writing a story, the quick answer is that you have the control to take action.

        Seek your state's Chaplain. Get with him/her ASAP. My first thought was why you did not enlist on active duty but saw you had some issues with the other branches so perhaps that is why.

        Besides your first sergeant, you need to stay in constant contact with your immediately leadership. If they arent in the know now; in which they should be since Top knows, then ask them for some guidance.

        You are a grown-up and know that. The military takes care of its own but sometimes is intolerable to some not willing to pull their own slack.

        Go to the Department of Labor. You need to stay mobile. Once you are stagnant and only thinking negativity; will only add to your burden.

        Stay with a job no matter what; even if it pays little. Keep looking in the interim.

        Good luck and message me anytime.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Problems.

          Sometimes you can get on temporary orders.........

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Problems.

            Thank you, sir. But I don't think there is anything a Chaplain can do. Words of encouragment do have power, i admit. But I don't think they'll work in this case...unless he can offer devine power to replace my life with another.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Problems.

              Chaplains can make things happen........they are the personal staff of the battalion commander along with the CSM.

              Every great journey begins with a step.

              Transformation is a process.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Problems.

                Originally posted by Chaplain4me View Post
                You need to speak with your chaplain.
                I saw your name and immediately thought you were a Chaplain.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Problems.

                  Originally posted by eslguy76 View Post
                  Thank you, sir. But I don't think there is anything a Chaplain can do. Words of encouragment do have power, i admit. But I don't think they'll work in this case...unless he can offer devine power to replace my life with another.

                  As the previous poster stated, they are an immense resource and if you are in dire straits, will provide adequate resources.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Problems.

                    Originally posted by fmcityslicker View Post
                    I saw your name and immediately thought you were a Chaplain.
                    I am a chaplain wannabee.

                    Comment

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