Depression

[todevastate]

I've been in the National Guard for a little over 12 months now. Before any of you bash me for what I'm about to say, hear me out.

Before joining the military, I wasn't really that happy. I was pretty upset about a break up I had with a girl I intended to marry. I found out some stuff even after our break up that kept pushing me further and further down this hole. That's when I really noticed I had a problem.

Everyone has always known me as some "angry" person. Nothing really excites me in life anymore. I have a great girlfriend and even she can't really help. The things I used to love doing are just dead to me now. Every new thing I try to do is just boring. I always want to be by myself.

BCT wasn't a problem for me, neither was AIT. Both were fairly easy. It wasn't until about two months ago when my moods really got bad. I found out my unit might be deploying the end of next year. I know that's a really long ways away, but it got me to thinking about what I'd be doing on deployment. I'm a 19D Cav scout.

Killing isn't something I thought about before BCT. I never thought about really taking someone's life. In BCT, I was disgusted by how many people wanted to k.ill someone [legally]. I read the Bible more than I ever had. Every day I think about "having" to pull a trigger on someone and I realize I wouldn't be able to do it. You can call me a *****, you can call me whatever. I just don't enjoy violence. It's gotten me to the point where some action movies legitimately upset me. I feel like I'm a liability. What am I supposed to do if I'm on tour and my squad gets attacked? Not only am I going to be hurt, but the rest of my squad could be too.

I feel like the idea of killing has pushed me into a hole. Nothing ever seems to get better. I have no hope my situation will change.
I don't really know what to do about it. I'm going to talk to a psychiatrist tomorrow (not a military psychiatrist).

My question is, if he diagnoses me with depression, what happens? I've been reading a lot on being DQ'ed for depression and I keep getting so many different answers for it. Some say you will get dq'ed for clinical depression, some say you won't.

edit: I've also been diagnosed with jumpers knee for a couple months now. It started around November while I was in AIT. My unit thinks I'm just making it up, because "I can walk" but I can't run. I don't know what to do. Should I look for a medical discharge for my knee?

[fmcityslicker]

Soldier, you need to open up to your leadership and inform them of your feelings and your course of action.

I applaud you for taking the necessary action to start helping yourself and getting viable treatment.

[ParalegalNCO1]

Private Message

[Chaplain4me]

Let me be up front, I am not a chaplain, therefore I cannot "Advise" you to take any course of action, other than to continue to work these things out with your chain of command, and your personal physicians. It would also be good, if you got in contact with your battalion chaplain.

If you are having thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself or anyone else you should seek the closest caregiver immediately.

I recommend you call this number


Call 1-800-342-9647, and visit this website.

http://www.militaryonesource.com/home.aspx?MRole=&Branch=&Component=

This is the 1-800 number for soldiers that are having many types of issues.

Everything you tell them is anonymous, and you get up to 12 free counseling sessions with a professional, and it will be a safe and secure place to talk.

You should be applauded for your openness in your attemps to get help with this problem. Please continue doing the right things by seeking more help.

Remember these are normal problems to have. And that you are not the problem, the problem is the problem.

You're using personal courage, to get this taken care of, and I like that. That's the type of motivation I like.

[todevastate]

what exactly is the ING? is it just inactive national guard? how would i go about doing that? i'm guessing they'd ask me a number of questions. i took the GAT survey about two days ago and every zone was red, or whatever is the lowest color. all my percentages have dropped by around 20+, except for social only dropping about 5. sorry for all the questions, i'm just not entirely sure how to go about this.

sorry about doing this in a post, but your inbox is full.


i felt so weird really telling someone i was questioning my mental health. but it's gotten to a point where i need to just stop beating around the bush. i want to feel better. i need to feel better. i can't keep feeling awful every minute of my life.

i contacted the girights hotline and we were in contact for awhile, but i haven't heard from any of them in a little over a week now.

[ParalegalNCO1]

The ING is just that. Inactive National Guard. You can go into ING for up to one year for personal reasons but still remain in the Guard. It is similiar to the IRR (Inactive Ready Reserve) except that the IRR comprises all of the Army Components, where the ING is just the Guard.

[SteveLord]

Also note, you do not accumulate Time In Service while in the ING....as opposed to the IRR. It is essentially a freeze...and is typically used when soldiers take a job/project overseas for an extended period of time.

[todevastate]

so what happens if i'm in IRR and decide I want out? to be completely honest, i think the first step to start getting better would be getting out of the military. i'm not one to quit anything, but when my mental health is this much at stake, i really need to get it fixed. i honestly feel so trapped in the military.

[MichaelPC]

so what happens if i'm in IRR and decide I want out? to be completely honest, i think the first step to start getting better would be getting out of the military. i'm not one to quit anything, but when my mental health is this much at stake, i really need to get it fixed. i honestly feel so trapped in the military.

When you are in IRR you are essentially out of the military. Its the part of your contract where you are not in an active drilling status. Do you mean ING?

[todevastate]

yes, sorry, i meant the ING. but in my post i meant i want out for good.

[SteveLord]

Is this all really because of a girl? How old are you?

[Phantom]

I would like to address the wanting to **** issue. A lot is very misunderstood when it comes to this. The military, it not a assassin force. Yes, we do carry weapons and items that will do that, but that is not the primary nor secondary goal. The prefered way is to do it without firing a shot, and it has been done in greater number than those that actually had a force on force contact. Do you hear about them? Not really, the News/Hollywood only shows guns being fired and bombs going off. If you just had a bunch of guys doing their job and not firing a shot, its not that big of a attention grabber. Villiages have been cleared and bad guys taken down without physical violence. Take a gate guard for example. When a unknown vehicle approaches the gate. There are signs posted, barriers, loud speakers, the Guards have lights that shine on the object approaching, then a warning shot, before the vehicle takes a round. There are multi levels before deadly force is authorized. We dont just go out there killing people. Does it happen like this all the time? Nope, sometimes, its **** or be killed, but those firefights are the ones you hear about. Dont get all bent around the bar, before you even get to that situation. Its great to have a open mind and think both sides, it shows understanding. War stories are great, and will always be around, but they are usually just about one particular situation. You never hear about the war that starts "There I was, knee deep in PMCS on my vehicle, it was hot, sun was blazing down.." Its not all about ending a life. Listen to everything, believe less than half. Just keep a open mind. Good Luck, I hope this all works out for you.

[todevastate]

Is this all really because of a girl? How old are you?
i'm 20.
this isn't really about a girl. my past relationships have added to my depression, but overall, its not a girl that's pushed me "this far". it's a lot of things in my life from girls to family issues to slowly realizing im a pacifist to something i saw in the past as well as a few other things.

[MichaelPC]

Look man, personal problems aside. You made a commitment.

How would you like it if you hired a contractor and payed him and he did half the work and decided to leave? When you hired him to do all the work.

The people on this forum have given you some great suggestions on getting help.

Talk to your leadership about changing you MOS to something like 25B if your combat MOS is contributing to the problems currently facing you.

[NJ732]

I feel like I'm a liability. What am I supposed to do if I'm on tour and my squad gets attacked? Not only am I going to be hurt, but the rest of my squad could be too.

edit: I've also been diagnosed with jumpers knee for a couple months now. It started around November while I was in AIT. My unit thinks I'm just making it up, because "I can walk" but I can't run. I don't know what to do. Should I look for a medical discharge for my knee?


Get a grip. You're not even deployed yet and you're talking about letting your buddies get hurt or killed because you're afraid to use your weapon. You serious with that?

Read the book "On Killing" by Dave Grossman.

As for everything else, put yourself in control. Life is what YOU make it, and nobody but YOU has control over it. YOU make you happy, YOU make you sad, YOU make you angry, etc. Don't waste your life being miserable because you think you're "depressed".

[Chaplain4me]

Slowy? You just enlisted as 19D last fall!!!

It hasn't even been one year!!!

Do you not think, they've not heard this story before?

An upcoming deployment and suddenly all the CO's come out from everywhere.

Just be honest you want out of the Army.

[SteveLord]

Honestly, it sounds like you're trying to come up with as many reasons to get out as possible. I am going to bet an upcoming deployment is triggering a lot of this. I was your age when I was alerted for mine and I went through similiar thoughts.

CO status is hard to prove. If you can find someone that succeeded in that...let me know.

[EOrsini]

[QUOTE=SteveLord;146934]Honestly, it sounds like you're trying to come up with as many reasons to get out as possible. I am going to bet an upcoming deployment is triggering a lot of this. I was your age when I was alerted for mine and I went through similiar thoughts. [QUOTE]

+1. OP- Many Soldiers join thinking about the education benefits, getting girls with the uniform, or whatever else people come up with, but don't stop to think about deployment. This seems to be something along those lines. I'm not saying you joined for the wrong reasons, there is no wrong reason to join if it's what motivates you. However you didn't fully think it through. Now that you have been notified for deployment you're scared. Again, you need to think about everything before you freak out and go into a downward spiral.
-You don't know what your mission is. you could be guarding a prison for all you know. Our last deployment was that, and all day everyday was moving prisoners back and forth between cells, adding new ones, etc. Didn't even carry rifles. This was an infantry unit!
-Alot happens before the deployment. Maybe you get promoted to a different unit that isn't deploying, maybe you're put on Rear Detachment.
These are 2 examples and I didn't even think deep into it. So keep that in mind. However, don't try to get out of the military now because you are scared about a deployment. Everyone else in your unit that hasn't gone downrange is scared too, and even people who have gone downrange will be as well. Fright is in the unknown.

If killing someone is whats worrying you, talk to your unit about changing your MOS. There are plenty of MOS that don't go out looking for a fight. But in all honesty, now that you have been notified for a deployment... Don't expect to get out unless you have a REAL REAL GOOD reason. Your unit and leadership are aware of the fear that strikes people, and aren't going to be easy to convince to get you out.

[fmcityslicker]

With my experience as well with many leaders on this forum; we all have witnessed soldiers in our unit try to get out of a deployment. We are told as leaders not to make that immediate assumption that their issue is not legit but to listen to our troops and get them the assistance they require.

I had a soldier before my last deployment claim PTSD at our SRP. Rumor had it that he was pulling that card so he could get out of the deployment. He served in Iraq before and appeared fine in our section.

The doctor made the call and he remained on rear-D and really hindered our section to initially accomplish the mission. How one person could affect your shop when you do 24 hour ops and require more than 100 percent manning can go to show how each soldier counts.

We returned almost a year ago and now he is soon to ETS. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and put those rumors to rest. But now he wants to go work downrange in Afghanistan as a civilian doing IT or logistical support and it just makes me wonder now. You couldn't go downrange as a soldier with us but you can as a civilian because six figures is an acceptable motivator?

Soldiers *sigh*

[MAJ Powers]

CO status is hard to prove. If you can find someone that succeeded in that...let me know.

Less than 300 cases approved for separation as CO since 2002 (http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/23/nyregion/23objector.html).

Several go to Federal court for adjudication.

I recommend you google the name Desmond Doss. A Soldier who does not wish to carry a weapon can still be a warrior.

[fmcityslicker]

Very interesting article Major. Perhaps with his position on a submarine being far removed from front line combat with the unlikelihood of actually being ordered to fire a nuclear missile; assisted and justified the CO claim and subsequent discharge approval. But the level and extremity involved in presenting his case was no easy task. In addition; having the ACLU in your corner is always a good thing to have in issues such as these.

[todevastate]

Slowy? You just enlisted as 19D last fall!!!

It hasn't even been one year!!!

Do you not think, they've not heard this story before?

An upcoming deployment and suddenly all the CO's come out from everywhere.

Just be honest you want out of the Army.

i haven't been notified of any deployment, i heard rumors of one.

i've thought about changing my mos because killing is just not something i want to do. i didn't think i'd have much a problem with it and i don't know what changed in me but something did to make me not want to ****.

i'm going back to my therapist in a week and i might bring up antidepressants. ive been trying to be happy, doing things that always made me happy, and they aren't working. medication could. i don't know.

[EOrsini]

i haven't been notified of any deployment, i heard rumors of one.

i've thought about changing my mos because killing is just not something i want to do. i didn't think i'd have much a problem with it and i don't know what changed in me but something did to make me not want to ****.

i'm going back to my therapist in a week and i might bring up antidepressants. ive been trying to be happy, doing things that always made me happy, and they aren't working. medication could. i don't know.

You need to contact your Chain of Command and speak to them about the situation. Go with other MOS' that you wouldn't mind switching to. Show them you have thought of alternative methods of serving without automatically asking to get out of the military.
Have you talked to anyone before the deployment rumors came up about not wanting to be in? Or did the deployment rumors scare you into deciding you weren't cut out for this lifestyle? -These are not questions I'm necessarily asking you to answer, but that you should be aware of because these are some of the questions your CoC may be thinking when you approach them